When we told our oldest, who is nine years old, about the operation I will be undergoing, she got big tears in her eyes and said,"How do big people get so brave? I'm scared to get a shot." I explained to her that I am scared, but choosing not to have the surgery was scarier then having the surgery. I don't feel very brave. Being brave is defined by operating with courage. Courage is the ability to face difficulty without fear. I am afraid.
I know fear is not a good thing. It makes us act and speak in ways that hurt. I have seen this in the past week. I am short with the kids and irritable and angry with my husband, and for no other explainable reason, other then I'm afraid.
As a Christian, I know my fear does not come from God, but what I haven't figured out is how to get rid of it. I've also decided I'm not afraid of cancer, I'm afraid of change. I am such a routine and goal driven person, that the idea of everything changing has driving fear into me. I'm going to feel different, look different and have to totally change the role I play as mother, wife and friend. I am scared this experience is going to change who I am.
I know I can't let fear stay, or it will change who I am. This is one of the parts of my experience where I do have a choice. I can choose to be afraid, and fall victim, not to cancer, but to fear. Or I can choose to hand my fear over to the only place it will be destroyed (the hands of God) and I know He can turn my fear into hope. But I have to make the choice to give up my fear. It is MY choice.
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It's so hard to know what to say... There's so much I want to say, but I'm going to just pray and let you know that my arms are just hugging you. I pray you feel my hugs, God's hugs, and everyone's hugs!!!! And I pray these hugs, filled with love and support hold you up when you need it.
ReplyDeleteLots of Love
Heather,
ReplyDeleteThis poem means a lot to me.I have used it a lot in my life. Sometimes we look too far ahead instead we need to look moment by moment.
Step by Step
He does not lead me year by year.
Nor even day by day,
But step by step my path unfolds,
My Lord directs my way.
Tomorrows plans I do not know,
I only know this minute;
But He will say, "This is the day
by faith now walk ye in it"
And I am glad that is is so,
Todays enough to bear;
And when tomorrow comes, His grace
shall far exceed its care.
What need to worry then or fret?
The God who gave His Son
Holds all my moments in His hand;
And gives them one by one.
You are in our prayers and thoughts.
Irene M.
Your words are beautiful as always, and so inspiring! Your unwavering faith is shinging through you, dear friend!!! I am praying, too, and hoping you can feel God's loving arms of refuge wrapped around you, keeping you safe and warm!
ReplyDeleteYou say it so beautifully. It is so hard to look into a child's eyes and give them news that they will not completely understand. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mom! Praying that you will feel His presence as you go through this season of life. Praying for you, your family, and your doctors.
ReplyDelete