Cancer Sucks

My oldest daughter brought a bracelet home from school the other day that said "Cancer Sucks". Her friend who lost her dad this past summer to cancer gave it to her. She asked me what I thought of the bracelet, since she knows I'm not found of the word "suck". "Suck" is just so negative and non descript, I usually feel there is a better word to describe a situation. I thought about it and said I really didn't think cancer deserved a better word and frankly it does just suck.

Last time I posted, I was getting ready to finish up my last reconstructive surgery. That went very well. Compared to all my other surgeries it was a breeze. The most painful part was having my port taken out, probably because I still have nerves there to feel pain. Since I'd had two other surgeries on my breasts, I'm pretty sure most of my nerves have been severed and no longer work since I had near zero pain in that area after surgery. I still had to be careful about lifting for a few weeks, but by October I was feeling well enough to help roof our house.

I'm happy with my reconstruction results, but by no means are they perfect. Due to the fact I had a more aggressive mastectomy on one side then the other, I am not symmetrical. I can go back and have revision surgeries done, if I would like, but right now that doesn't even remotely interest me. The reality is I had cancer, and had to undergo radical surgery to get rid of that cancer. I am impressed the plastic surgeon could repair me as well as he did, so I am content. I didn't expect perfection, just improvement from post mastectomy surgery, and that has been accomplished.

A few days ago, I had my very first bone scan. I've been having hip pain since October that had progressively gotten worse and my local doctor and oncologist wanted to make sure cancer had not spread to my bones. Thankfully, my scan came back as normal. I'm glad they got my results back relatively quickly, because I don't do well with "scaniety" I've decided. In the four days from the time I'd had my scan, to the time I got the results, I'd went from convincing myself the cancer had to be in my bones all the way back to there was nothing to worry about and back again about ten times.

I think the pain I've been having is just a side effect from the chemotherapy I've had and the medication I am currently taking (Tamoxifen). It's not horrible pain... just noticeable nearly all the time. Before I called my oncologist and told him about my hip pain, I'd figured that was what the pain was from, but I wanted a doctor to make the decision I shouldn't worry, not me. I didn't want to do the same thing I'd done two years ago by explaining away and minimizing a symptom only to find out many months down the road that I should have been to a doctor much sooner. So this time I decided to let the doctor do his job and I'd do my job by going to visit the doctor. The doctor took me seriously, and I'm so thankful he did, as now I have peace of mind and don't have to keep wondering.

I'm going to have to get used to being willing to let doctors know when I have pain that won't go away. I'm not a complainer, and can usually learn to cope and adapt to discomfort. But unfortunately, the reality of breast cancer is a person is not considered "cured" until they die, have an autopsy and no breast cancer is found in their body. The nature of breast cancer is such that it can crop up 10 or 20 years after an initial diagnosis, so I have to be very in tune to my body and any changes that may indicate a problem. Breast cancer isn't like a lot of the other cancers where a person is considered "cured" after 5 years of remission... it's just to sneaky.

Summer Update

Since my last update, there has been little news, however there are a couple things I would like to note.

Firstly, shortly after completing my herceptin treatments in April, my oncologist sent me for another MUGA scan to check my heart function after herceptin was completed. Now just for reference, I'd like to mention my first MUGA (prechemo) came back at 60%, which is perfectly normal. My second MUGA came back at 54%, I believe, so we could see the rounds of chemotherapy had taken a small toll on my heart function. Ever since that point, my MUGA results have only increased, and my final MUGA reading came back in May at 76%!!! I have no idea what the explanation is for the increase of my heart function while taking a drug which is notorious for damaging the heart, but I'm sure God has an explanation. Our prayer through my treatment was that I could complete herceptin, as we felt completing this drug was key to the most positive outcome possible. I feel God heard our prayers and the prayers of many others and not only protected my heart, but somehow allowed it to strengthen!

Secondly, all the surgeons and nurses are finally going to be able to put me back together again! Come mid-August, we once again travel down to Mayo to complete the reconstructive surgery process, almost exactly a year from the start of reconstruction. This surgery should be a much simpler and less painful surgery then my last and should be done as outpatient. I have also been given the OK from my oncologist to remove my chemotherapy port, so I will have that done at the same time as my reconstructive surgery.

I will never regret choosing a double mastectomy. Nobody knew until after surgery how widespread the cancer was in my breasts. My old breasts were housing a disease which tried to kill me, so honestly, I'm thankful they are gone. Emotionally, yes, I wish I could be 100% me, and have never got cancer and had to change my body. But after living completely flat chested for over 6 months after my mastectomies, I know that not having reconstruction was not an option for me either. The mastectomy bras and prostheses were uncomfortable and not very pretty. Going flat chested made shirts fit horribly, so for me, reconstruction was the best solution. So, yes, my breasts are now fake, but frankly, that is an upgrade from the breasts which housed the disease that was trying to kill me!

Can I get a drum roll please?

Da-Da-Da-Da-Da DONE! Tomorrow, my absolute very last chemotherapy treatment is scheduled! I am so excited to check that off the "TO DO" list! I've decided oncologists have this drug treatment schedule set up the way it is for a reason... they hit you with their uppercut that knocks you on your back first, so they can say "It will get better.". Then they order the drugs in such a way that you are actually thankful to get the gut punch after the uppercut, and then the slap in the face feels mighty fine after the gut punch. If they slapped you in the face first, and then said "Just wait 'til next time, it only gets worse", it would be very hard as a patient to comply with treatment. So the last few months, I've been getting slapped, but it sure beats the uppercuts we started out with! So tomorrow is my last slap! Ha Ha!

As hard as chemo was to do, in all seriousness, I could not be more thankful for all the drugs they have to treat breast cancer now! I had the discussion with my Oncologist a couple of days ago as to how much better the prognosis is for my type of cancer then it was 10 years ago, thanks to the advancements that have been made in the drugs to treat the cancer. At that time, my type of cancer had a very high rate of recurrence, where as today, my Oncologist says they hardly ever see recurrences after the drug regime I've been on. Just imagine how much better things will be in another 10 years? Amazing!

As of this week, I now only have to visit my Oncologist once every three months, until I hit five years out, and then I will switch to once every six months, until ten years out... and then I can say goodbye to Oncology forever! Again, thankful for what they did, but won't be sad to check that off the list when the time comes.

So right now my doctoring schedule is getting my port flushed every six weeks until I have it removed (probably another six months or so), Oncology visit every three months and I have my last reconstructive surgery to schedule down at Mayo clinic some time this summer.

I've been thinking the last few days more about all the people/situations I have to be thankful for in my life. You know the song "Count Your Blessings"?

"Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your blessings, see what God hath done!"

Seriously... I need to go back to school, 'cause I can't count that high! I am so very thankful for so much!

Update Time

Well, I figured it was probably about time for an update, so here it is...

Medically, things are clipping right along. I'm still doing herceptin once every three weeks. I've had an array of side effect (headaches, rashes, full body aches, chills, sore throat, and tiredness) but nothing that slows me down too much. I do occasionally get frustrated and wonder when/if I will ever feel "good" again, but I know that this too will pass. I will be done with my infusions (herceptin) in early April. I just had another MUGA heart scan this month, and everything came back excellent! It was actually the best reading I've had yet, so herceptin doesn't appear to be messing with my heart.

As far as reconstruction, I am down to only needing one more expansion (next week!) and then I call my plastic surgeon down at Mayo for instructions as to what happens next. My understanding is that there will be a few months waiting period (to allow tissue to fully expand and stabilize) and then I will have the implant surgery.

I visit with a nurse practitioner from oncology once a month. She checks my blood work, my incisions, chest wall, axilla, heart and lungs. So far, everything has been excellent!

Spiritually, I have come to the conclusion that the simpler I can make my faith and let God take care of the big stuff, the more freedom I feel. After ending chemotherapy (the bad nasty stuff), I went through a rough time where I dreaded cancer returning. My odds of getting cancer two years ago was ~ .2%, but I managed to get cancer. Now, as a survivor, my odds of having a recurrence are anywhere in the range of 7-20%. Not very comforting, at all. I was trying to have faith in these odds, in the medical field, in my doctors, but I still felt defeated and incredibly discouraged and felt like I was just waiting for my world to be rocked apart again. Then God showed me I was putting my faith in the wrong place. He assured me that no matter what happens in the future, He is big enough, He loves me, and He is good all the time. And no matter what happens, if I keep my faith in Him, my world will not be rocked apart. I could be diagnosed with a recurrence tomorrow and He is still big enough, He still loves me, and He is still good ALL the time.

Emotionally, I've been trying to process why our society (myself included) is so adverse to feeling any discomfort. We try so hard to avoid tough situations or mask our pain. Isn't it through feeling discomfort that we learn some of the best lessons? Isn't tough situations where most of our growth and maturation occurs? It has been a rough year emotionally, physically and spiritually, but I'm trying to learn to embrace the good times with the bad, and realize that both are a part of life and make up our stories. Life is really worth living and feeling... all of it!