When we told our oldest, who is nine years old, about the operation I will be undergoing, she got big tears in her eyes and said,"How do big people get so brave? I'm scared to get a shot." I explained to her that I am scared, but choosing not to have the surgery was scarier then having the surgery. I don't feel very brave. Being brave is defined by operating with courage. Courage is the ability to face difficulty without fear. I am afraid.
I know fear is not a good thing. It makes us act and speak in ways that hurt. I have seen this in the past week. I am short with the kids and irritable and angry with my husband, and for no other explainable reason, other then I'm afraid.
As a Christian, I know my fear does not come from God, but what I haven't figured out is how to get rid of it. I've also decided I'm not afraid of cancer, I'm afraid of change. I am such a routine and goal driven person, that the idea of everything changing has driving fear into me. I'm going to feel different, look different and have to totally change the role I play as mother, wife and friend. I am scared this experience is going to change who I am.
I know I can't let fear stay, or it will change who I am. This is one of the parts of my experience where I do have a choice. I can choose to be afraid, and fall victim, not to cancer, but to fear. Or I can choose to hand my fear over to the only place it will be destroyed (the hands of God) and I know He can turn my fear into hope. But I have to make the choice to give up my fear. It is MY choice.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Meetings with Oncology
Today, our first appointment was with Oncology. The Oncologist just affirmed that the decision to have surgery first is the best one, in his opinion. He said that there are certain cases where pre-surgery chemotherapy is probably the best, but with our case, he feels surgery is best. Being that I have at least two and possibly three different types of cancer going on, the chemotherapy treatment would leave one type of cancer not being as targeted by the chemotherapy. If we wanted to pursue pre-surgery chemotherapy, he would pick the regime to treat the HER2+ cancer, being that it is the most aggressive type I have going on. But during the time frame (around 5 months) we would be doing pre-surgery chemotherapy, there is the risk the non HER2+ cancer could progress, compromising my prognosis. I am more comfortable taking the risk that possibly the lymph node biopsy was wrong, then I am waiting 5 months doing chemotherapy and hoping some of my cancer isn't spreading.
At this appointment, we also ran thru what the probable chemotherapy regime could be for me. It looks tough. It looks like I will probably be doing a couple different "chemotherapy" drugs (approx. 5 months), a year of a HER2 specific drug, plus up to five years of a hormone receptor drug. A lot of the side effects of these drugs are terrifying, but I know they have to be done. One day at a time...
Our second appointment was with radiation oncology. We went over some of the post surgery scenarios that may require me to also need radiation. With the information we have now, it looks fairly unlikely I will need radiation. I would be just fine with never having to visit the radiation oncology department again! :-)
We also met with a genetic counselor. Due to the fact I have bilateral breast cancer at such a "young" age, there is a greater then 10% chance that I may have one of the BRCA gene mutations. We feel it would be wise to test for this gene mutation to better know how to deal with my case, and to hopefully better inform our children and other first degree relatives of certain medical conditions to screen for. If I indeed have one of these gene mutations, there may be a significantly elevated risk of me also developing ovarian cancer, and we could start screening or take preventive measures now.
We are proceeding with our scheduled surgery date of January 29th.
At this appointment, we also ran thru what the probable chemotherapy regime could be for me. It looks tough. It looks like I will probably be doing a couple different "chemotherapy" drugs (approx. 5 months), a year of a HER2 specific drug, plus up to five years of a hormone receptor drug. A lot of the side effects of these drugs are terrifying, but I know they have to be done. One day at a time...
Our second appointment was with radiation oncology. We went over some of the post surgery scenarios that may require me to also need radiation. With the information we have now, it looks fairly unlikely I will need radiation. I would be just fine with never having to visit the radiation oncology department again! :-)
We also met with a genetic counselor. Due to the fact I have bilateral breast cancer at such a "young" age, there is a greater then 10% chance that I may have one of the BRCA gene mutations. We feel it would be wise to test for this gene mutation to better know how to deal with my case, and to hopefully better inform our children and other first degree relatives of certain medical conditions to screen for. If I indeed have one of these gene mutations, there may be a significantly elevated risk of me also developing ovarian cancer, and we could start screening or take preventive measures now.
We are proceeding with our scheduled surgery date of January 29th.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Back to Rochester
Well, my husband and I have talked about it, and I'm pretty sure we'll be heading down to Rochester sometime on Monday. We need to talk to an Oncologist to try and wrap our heads around our chemotherapy treatment options... the pros and cons of having it before or after surgery. So we are going to try and find places for the kids to stay while we are gone, as we are hoping this should be a short trip.
Decisions
Well, I've received two phone calls from Mayo today, and I'm expecting at least one more.
The first phone call was my Internal Medicine doctor informing us we have some decisions to make. When we left Rochester on Wednesday, nobody on my medical team really felt there was a real benefit in doing chemotherapy before surgery, so they sent us home with the understanding we would meet with oncology after surgery to set up treatment at that time. My doctor says that since we left Rochester, there has been some extensive discussion between all the members of my medical team and there is some concern that I should at least consider chemotherapy before surgery.
My general surgeon feels that even though the lymph node biopsies came back negative, there still is a chance that when we get in to do surgery, further (more in depth) testing may show cancer in the lymph nodes. If that should happen, then I would need radiation (and chemotherapy), which may compromise my reconstructive surgery. At that time all the lymph nodes in my arm would have to be removed, highly increasing the chance I could develop lymphedema, a very painful swelling of the arm, which could be permanent. He feels if we do chemotherapy before surgery, if there is any cancer hiding in the lymph nodes, chemotherapy should kill it, so that when we go into surgery, the chances of finding cancer in the lymph nodes is reduced even more, thus possibly improving my quality of life after surgery and giving my reconstructive surgery more of a chance to be a success. They are leaving the final decision up to us.
Should we decide that we may want to have pre-surgery chemotherapy, this would mean we would have to travel back to Rochester Monday for more appointments with oncology and radiation oncology to discuss our options, and set up a treatment plan, if that is what we decide. Should we decide to fore go pre-surgery chemotherapy, then it sounds like surgery is tentatively set up for the 29th of January.
As much as I want to get this cancer out of my body RIGHT NOW, I know it would be foolish to not be patient and take our time to consider all our options. My feelings want surgery today, if that were possible, but my logic tells me differently.
I will be calling my doctor back today when we make a decision.
The first phone call was my Internal Medicine doctor informing us we have some decisions to make. When we left Rochester on Wednesday, nobody on my medical team really felt there was a real benefit in doing chemotherapy before surgery, so they sent us home with the understanding we would meet with oncology after surgery to set up treatment at that time. My doctor says that since we left Rochester, there has been some extensive discussion between all the members of my medical team and there is some concern that I should at least consider chemotherapy before surgery.
My general surgeon feels that even though the lymph node biopsies came back negative, there still is a chance that when we get in to do surgery, further (more in depth) testing may show cancer in the lymph nodes. If that should happen, then I would need radiation (and chemotherapy), which may compromise my reconstructive surgery. At that time all the lymph nodes in my arm would have to be removed, highly increasing the chance I could develop lymphedema, a very painful swelling of the arm, which could be permanent. He feels if we do chemotherapy before surgery, if there is any cancer hiding in the lymph nodes, chemotherapy should kill it, so that when we go into surgery, the chances of finding cancer in the lymph nodes is reduced even more, thus possibly improving my quality of life after surgery and giving my reconstructive surgery more of a chance to be a success. They are leaving the final decision up to us.
Should we decide that we may want to have pre-surgery chemotherapy, this would mean we would have to travel back to Rochester Monday for more appointments with oncology and radiation oncology to discuss our options, and set up a treatment plan, if that is what we decide. Should we decide to fore go pre-surgery chemotherapy, then it sounds like surgery is tentatively set up for the 29th of January.
As much as I want to get this cancer out of my body RIGHT NOW, I know it would be foolish to not be patient and take our time to consider all our options. My feelings want surgery today, if that were possible, but my logic tells me differently.
I will be calling my doctor back today when we make a decision.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Getting Some Kid Therapy!
As I write this, I am sitting in my kitchen, listening to my one year talk and play with her toys. It was a busy time this morning getting the kids all fed and the two older ones off to school, but I cherished it, and don't think I've stopped smiling in hours. I think I slept with a smile on my face. :-)
Yesterday morning I woke up very homesick. I looked at our appointment schedule and realized we had scattered appointments thru next Tuesday and then surgery would probably follow shortly thereafter. It would probably be a good three weeks or more before I could give my kids a hug. I longed to be home, just to do my everyday stuff... grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning and taking care of my babies. Tears filled my eyes and I just resolved myself to take it a day at a time and make the best of it.
We showed up for our first appointment, the lymph node biopsy, and our next appointment wasn't for several hours, so we decided to drive back to my brother's place, so my husband could get some work done. No sooner had we walked in the door, then Mayo called and one of my Friday appointments was moved to 11:30. Fifteen minutes later they called back, bumping the appointment to 10:15. So we headed in. No sooner had we found a parking spot in the parking ramp, when my phone rang and my lymph node biopsy came back negative, so as far as they can tell now, the cancer is contained in only one part of my body. This is awesome news! On this note, we went in and met with the plastic surgeon. After that appointment, we went to a restaurant for lunch and talked. I told my husband how I longed to go home. He told me not to get my hopes up, but I couldn't help it.
After lunch, we went to wait for our 2:00 appointment, and they ended up getting us in a whole hour early. This appointment was to educate my husband and I as to what to expect after surgery. It sounds like it will be quit the recovery process. I can't lift anything over 10 lbs for at least 2 weeks, with gradual increases over time. It will probably be a good month or more before I can lift either of my two youngest children. I won't be able to lift my arms over shoulder level for at least two weeks. It sounds like I should expect a fair amount of pain. The good thing is, it sounds like they will wait about a month or more before starting my treatment(s), so I can recover some.
After this appointment, our coordinating doctor came and talked to us. I told her my desire to go home and be with my children, and that I really didn't want to stick around for one Friday appointment and one Tuesday appointment. She sympathized and said she would work on getting surgery schedule and move those two appointments to when we come down for surgery, so I could go home. Yeah!
We immediately took off for my brother's house (where we were staying) and had our stuff packed up and were on the road again within 20 minutes.
The drive was going relatively smoothly (although we did hit rush hour in the cities), other then there was a fair amount of fog. Just north of Akeley, I saw a deer pop out of the ditch on my husband's side of the road. I said, "Deer", and my husband didn't react. I learned later he was looking in my ditch for the deer, and that apparently it is the deer spotter's responsibility to also yell out the location of the suicidal deer (oops :-) ). I then yelled "DEER" at which time my husband realized he was looking the wrong direction. By the time he saw the deer it was in the middle of the road heading for our lane a mere couple of feet in front of us. My husband accelerated (and I was thinking "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING!?!") and the deer ran into the driver's side front panel right in front of the driver's side door. The deer's head took off our side mirror and the deer rolled down the side of the car. After thinking about it, I realize why my husband hit the gas, instead of the brakes. If he'd hit the brakes, there was a very good chance that deer would have hit right in the middle of the front of the car, causing a lot more damage, possible rolling up over the hood, thru the windshield and into our laps. Thank goodness my husband thought extremely fast and God protected us in a situation that could have been much worse!
I started thinking about the damage to our car and what we were going to do about it and how much worse it could have been, when I realized that the car and I had something in common. Our car is now dented and marked all down one side. We're missing a mirror. It doesn't look great, but it doesn't look awful, either. But you know what? It's still the same car... it runs just as good as before we hit the deer and, thankfully, everything (and everyone) inside was safe. At the end of this cancer situation, I'm still the same Heather I was a year ago. I may have a few more scars and bruises, but at the end of it all, our prayer and desire is that I will be safe on the inside. And, I've also come to the realization, that although having breast cancer is bad, this situation could have been so much worse!
Bad things do happen in life... and it sucks! And we all do have moments where it is OK to ask God why he allowed bad things to happen. God is big enough for that. I don't believe He's insulted by our questions. Sometimes asking those questions leads us to the realization that in the situation where we "felt" abandoned by God, He really was way more involved in taking caring of us then we are aware of. Our God is big enough to prevent bad things from happening, but sometimes, I think it takes an even bigger God to carry us thru bad things to the other side. I'm thankful our God is that big!
Yesterday morning I woke up very homesick. I looked at our appointment schedule and realized we had scattered appointments thru next Tuesday and then surgery would probably follow shortly thereafter. It would probably be a good three weeks or more before I could give my kids a hug. I longed to be home, just to do my everyday stuff... grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning and taking care of my babies. Tears filled my eyes and I just resolved myself to take it a day at a time and make the best of it.
We showed up for our first appointment, the lymph node biopsy, and our next appointment wasn't for several hours, so we decided to drive back to my brother's place, so my husband could get some work done. No sooner had we walked in the door, then Mayo called and one of my Friday appointments was moved to 11:30. Fifteen minutes later they called back, bumping the appointment to 10:15. So we headed in. No sooner had we found a parking spot in the parking ramp, when my phone rang and my lymph node biopsy came back negative, so as far as they can tell now, the cancer is contained in only one part of my body. This is awesome news! On this note, we went in and met with the plastic surgeon. After that appointment, we went to a restaurant for lunch and talked. I told my husband how I longed to go home. He told me not to get my hopes up, but I couldn't help it.
After lunch, we went to wait for our 2:00 appointment, and they ended up getting us in a whole hour early. This appointment was to educate my husband and I as to what to expect after surgery. It sounds like it will be quit the recovery process. I can't lift anything over 10 lbs for at least 2 weeks, with gradual increases over time. It will probably be a good month or more before I can lift either of my two youngest children. I won't be able to lift my arms over shoulder level for at least two weeks. It sounds like I should expect a fair amount of pain. The good thing is, it sounds like they will wait about a month or more before starting my treatment(s), so I can recover some.
After this appointment, our coordinating doctor came and talked to us. I told her my desire to go home and be with my children, and that I really didn't want to stick around for one Friday appointment and one Tuesday appointment. She sympathized and said she would work on getting surgery schedule and move those two appointments to when we come down for surgery, so I could go home. Yeah!
We immediately took off for my brother's house (where we were staying) and had our stuff packed up and were on the road again within 20 minutes.
The drive was going relatively smoothly (although we did hit rush hour in the cities), other then there was a fair amount of fog. Just north of Akeley, I saw a deer pop out of the ditch on my husband's side of the road. I said, "Deer", and my husband didn't react. I learned later he was looking in my ditch for the deer, and that apparently it is the deer spotter's responsibility to also yell out the location of the suicidal deer (oops :-) ). I then yelled "DEER" at which time my husband realized he was looking the wrong direction. By the time he saw the deer it was in the middle of the road heading for our lane a mere couple of feet in front of us. My husband accelerated (and I was thinking "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING!?!") and the deer ran into the driver's side front panel right in front of the driver's side door. The deer's head took off our side mirror and the deer rolled down the side of the car. After thinking about it, I realize why my husband hit the gas, instead of the brakes. If he'd hit the brakes, there was a very good chance that deer would have hit right in the middle of the front of the car, causing a lot more damage, possible rolling up over the hood, thru the windshield and into our laps. Thank goodness my husband thought extremely fast and God protected us in a situation that could have been much worse!
I started thinking about the damage to our car and what we were going to do about it and how much worse it could have been, when I realized that the car and I had something in common. Our car is now dented and marked all down one side. We're missing a mirror. It doesn't look great, but it doesn't look awful, either. But you know what? It's still the same car... it runs just as good as before we hit the deer and, thankfully, everything (and everyone) inside was safe. At the end of this cancer situation, I'm still the same Heather I was a year ago. I may have a few more scars and bruises, but at the end of it all, our prayer and desire is that I will be safe on the inside. And, I've also come to the realization, that although having breast cancer is bad, this situation could have been so much worse!
Bad things do happen in life... and it sucks! And we all do have moments where it is OK to ask God why he allowed bad things to happen. God is big enough for that. I don't believe He's insulted by our questions. Sometimes asking those questions leads us to the realization that in the situation where we "felt" abandoned by God, He really was way more involved in taking caring of us then we are aware of. Our God is big enough to prevent bad things from happening, but sometimes, I think it takes an even bigger God to carry us thru bad things to the other side. I'm thankful our God is that big!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
What We've Learned
I'm exhausted, but kind of need to process things, and feel this is a concrete way I can do that. So here are the highlights of our last two days at Mayo.
- We talked to a surgeon, and it "looks" like the soonest surgery would be is late next week, but more then likely the following week.
- All the preliminary testing indicates that the bones, lungs and liver appear to be cancer free.
- We had an ultrasound on the lymph nodes today, and unfortunately, they did find cause to do further testing. I will be have a lymph node biopsy early tomorrow morning.
- We got scheduled to see an oncologist Tuesday of next week (Jay's birthday).
I really, really, really miss my kids and the idea of staying here for as long as I think we are going to have to be down here without them is very hard. Sorry this is so short, but honestly, I have no more energy left today.
- We talked to a surgeon, and it "looks" like the soonest surgery would be is late next week, but more then likely the following week.
- All the preliminary testing indicates that the bones, lungs and liver appear to be cancer free.
- We had an ultrasound on the lymph nodes today, and unfortunately, they did find cause to do further testing. I will be have a lymph node biopsy early tomorrow morning.
- We got scheduled to see an oncologist Tuesday of next week (Jay's birthday).
I really, really, really miss my kids and the idea of staying here for as long as I think we are going to have to be down here without them is very hard. Sorry this is so short, but honestly, I have no more energy left today.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
On The Road Again
I woke up this morning, not really looking forward to the goodbyes that were going to have to be said in the next couple of hours. I was feeling a little down (ok... very down) and then I realized that we would be driving right by the Albertville Outlet Mall. I had something to look forward to... a little therapeutic shopping. :-) I think that will be the key to getting thru this ordeal, is looking for the small stuff that can make us smile a little and before we know it, we will be at the end looking back, realizing how far we have come.
So back to today, I sat the kids down, showed them how I had pictures of them loaded on my digital picture frame to take with me, in case I was scheduled for surgery right away, I would have pictures of them to look at when I was missing them. We had fun looking at the pictures and then I kind of explained what we think would be happening at the doctors and what to expect when we got home. I could tell my oldest son was worried but was trying to mask it by being silly, so when I asked him if he had any questions before we left and he said yes, I was bracing myself for a tough discussion. He asked, "Mom, do you know where my Star Wars figurine is?". Yup, I can answer that question!
I really struggle with how much to tell the kids about what is going on, but every time we sit down for a conversation both my husband and I feel led to be as honest as we can and let them ask the questions they want to ask. I just hope this is right. I guess there really isn't an easy way or a right way to deal with "Mommy Has Cancer".
So we said our goodbyes, and yes, there were a few tears and it was sad. But what I realize at the end of the day, is that the reason it was so sad, was because we are so blessed. Yes, I am sad that I have to leave my four precious children behind, but I can be happy (and thankful) that I have them to come back to! So when I return, instead of shopping therapy, I can have some kid therapy.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Mayo Appointments Begin
This morning I received the call from Mayo scheduling my first appointments in dealing with breast cancer. Monday, January 11th, I meet with a physician for 1 1/2 hours. I'm not sure what this appointment would be for, but I am assuming it will be for going over the biopsy results more in depth. I will also be having a chest xray and an EKG. Tuesday, January 12th, I will meet with a surgeon. I'm assuming this will be to discuss what type of surgery we will proceed with to get this cancer out of my body. I will be having some additional pre-op testing done, as well. We do not know when surgery will be scheduled. It could be the next day, or a few days from Tuesday. There are too many unknown factors to have that figured out right now.
It sounds like things are going to move rather quickly, so please pray that God would lead us to the right doctors and that we would make the best choices with the help of the doctors in how to proceed with treatment. Please pray for my babies, as more then likely, we will be leaving them back home in the care of a family member or friend(s). Pray for them to have peace and to not be afraid.
It sounds like things are going to move rather quickly, so please pray that God would lead us to the right doctors and that we would make the best choices with the help of the doctors in how to proceed with treatment. Please pray for my babies, as more then likely, we will be leaving them back home in the care of a family member or friend(s). Pray for them to have peace and to not be afraid.
January 4th, 2010 - Dx Day
Today I received the call from the breast center with the biopsy results. All three biopsies came back as cancerous. So basically, I have a cancerous lump and tiny specks of cancer spread throughout my left breast and I have an area of very early cancer in my right breast. I have asked for a referral to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.
I'm Thankful Life Isn't Fair
Saturday, I decided I'd tackle the dreaded task of cleaning my basement. It was pretty bad, so I had a lot of time to think and pray. I'm so thankful for that time, as I feel God helped me deal with issues I needed to think thru.
I probably have cancer. Life isn't fair.
I probably won't be able to care for my kids like I would like. Life isn't fair.
My kids probably will have to deal with a bunch of emotional baggage. Life isn't fair.
I'll probably have to undergo painful disfiguring surgery. Life isn't fair.
I'll probably have to go thru months of difficult treatments. Life isn't fair.
Jesus chose to die for my sins, so I could have eternal life with Him and His Father. His life certainly wasn't fair! I've decided I'm actually thankful and blessed that life isn't fair.
I probably have cancer. Life isn't fair.
I probably won't be able to care for my kids like I would like. Life isn't fair.
My kids probably will have to deal with a bunch of emotional baggage. Life isn't fair.
I'll probably have to undergo painful disfiguring surgery. Life isn't fair.
I'll probably have to go thru months of difficult treatments. Life isn't fair.
Jesus chose to die for my sins, so I could have eternal life with Him and His Father. His life certainly wasn't fair! I've decided I'm actually thankful and blessed that life isn't fair.
December 29th, 2009 Squeezed and Swiss Cheesed
The next step in figuring out exactly what we were dealing with regarding my breast lump, was to make a trip to the breast center affiliated with our clinic. The plan was to biopsy the lump to determine if it was cancer, or not.
The first step, in what was supposed to be about a two-hour appointment, was to meet with a nurse practitioner to have a clinical breast exam and discuss the biopsy procedure and my mammogram and ultrasound results in more depth. Everything was light and airy until my mammogram images were brought out and we started discussing how radiologist categorize mammograms in different categories based off what they think the image is showing. The categories range from 0 (meaning the picture was unclear and needs to be retaken) to a category 6 (meaning the area of concern being pictured has already been proven thru biopsy to be cancerous). I discovered that my image was ranked a Category 5, meaning there was a greater then 95% chance the lump is cancerous. I didn't like those odds... not at all.
The NP left the room and in walks the radiologist. She has even more bad news. She has spotted multiple issues of additional concern in the left breast from the Roseau mammogram and thinks it best to do an additional biopsy on one of these areas. Thankfully, my husband was along, and expressed concern that since the left breast looked so poor, shouldn't we check out the right? They had assumed the right breast had already been checked and cleared at our clinic, and with the information that is had not, they immediately decided a mammogram should be done of that side, as well. The NP walked back into the room, grabbed my hand and looked at me with some of the saddest eyes I'd ever seen and told me I would be in her prayers. She left the room, and I looked over at my husband and said, "This is really bad, isn't it?". He could only agree.
So I proceeded to the mammogram room where additional images were taken of my left breast and initial images were taken of my right breast. Unfortunately, they also found an issue of concern in my right breast, so that side needed additional mammograming, and was determined to be in need of biopsying as well.
The next step was biopsying. This is a procedure where the breast in numbed with local anesthetic and a small 1/4" incision is made for the biopsy needle to pull thin spaghetti like samples from my breast tissue. I had one ultrasound guided biopsy (on the known lump) and two stereotactic biopsies of the additional issues of concern, which couldn't be felt. During a stereotactic biopsy, essentially a mammogram is used to point the radiologist to the location which needs biopsying and the biopsy is taken under the guidance of a mammogram.
So about four hours after arriving at the clinic, I left with my chest nicely wrapped in bandages and ice, and admittedly, I was very discouraged. Now we had to wait for results, and being that it was New Years weekend coming up, the odds were we'd have to wait until the following Monday to hear official results. So we went home and cried a little and prayed a lot.
The first step, in what was supposed to be about a two-hour appointment, was to meet with a nurse practitioner to have a clinical breast exam and discuss the biopsy procedure and my mammogram and ultrasound results in more depth. Everything was light and airy until my mammogram images were brought out and we started discussing how radiologist categorize mammograms in different categories based off what they think the image is showing. The categories range from 0 (meaning the picture was unclear and needs to be retaken) to a category 6 (meaning the area of concern being pictured has already been proven thru biopsy to be cancerous). I discovered that my image was ranked a Category 5, meaning there was a greater then 95% chance the lump is cancerous. I didn't like those odds... not at all.
The NP left the room and in walks the radiologist. She has even more bad news. She has spotted multiple issues of additional concern in the left breast from the Roseau mammogram and thinks it best to do an additional biopsy on one of these areas. Thankfully, my husband was along, and expressed concern that since the left breast looked so poor, shouldn't we check out the right? They had assumed the right breast had already been checked and cleared at our clinic, and with the information that is had not, they immediately decided a mammogram should be done of that side, as well. The NP walked back into the room, grabbed my hand and looked at me with some of the saddest eyes I'd ever seen and told me I would be in her prayers. She left the room, and I looked over at my husband and said, "This is really bad, isn't it?". He could only agree.
So I proceeded to the mammogram room where additional images were taken of my left breast and initial images were taken of my right breast. Unfortunately, they also found an issue of concern in my right breast, so that side needed additional mammograming, and was determined to be in need of biopsying as well.
The next step was biopsying. This is a procedure where the breast in numbed with local anesthetic and a small 1/4" incision is made for the biopsy needle to pull thin spaghetti like samples from my breast tissue. I had one ultrasound guided biopsy (on the known lump) and two stereotactic biopsies of the additional issues of concern, which couldn't be felt. During a stereotactic biopsy, essentially a mammogram is used to point the radiologist to the location which needs biopsying and the biopsy is taken under the guidance of a mammogram.
So about four hours after arriving at the clinic, I left with my chest nicely wrapped in bandages and ice, and admittedly, I was very discouraged. Now we had to wait for results, and being that it was New Years weekend coming up, the odds were we'd have to wait until the following Monday to hear official results. So we went home and cried a little and prayed a lot.
December 17th, 2009
Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? Where you feel every last ounce of air leave your lungs? And have you ever noticed how the moment between having the air knocked out of you to the moment that you start inhaling your next breath seems to last forever?
Well, on this day, I had every ounce of emotional wind knocked out of me. I took my two year old to his inguinal hernia repair pre-op appointment and at the end, my doctor asked me to sit down, so we could discuss my test results. Sure... No big deal, I thought... I'm pretty sure they'd found a cyst... we'll pick a date to aspirate... no big deal.
"I'm concerned with what your test results show. Things don't look good in there and we need to get whatever you have growing in there out."
"What do you mean by not good? Do you think it is cancer?"
"Yes, I do."
All the air in my emotional being whooshed away and this is that never ending moment. I'm still trying to fully breath again...
Well, on this day, I had every ounce of emotional wind knocked out of me. I took my two year old to his inguinal hernia repair pre-op appointment and at the end, my doctor asked me to sit down, so we could discuss my test results. Sure... No big deal, I thought... I'm pretty sure they'd found a cyst... we'll pick a date to aspirate... no big deal.
"I'm concerned with what your test results show. Things don't look good in there and we need to get whatever you have growing in there out."
"What do you mean by not good? Do you think it is cancer?"
"Yes, I do."
All the air in my emotional being whooshed away and this is that never ending moment. I'm still trying to fully breath again...
Monday, January 4, 2010
December 15th, 2009 - Mammogram and Ultrasound
It was almost relaxing to leave the house at 7:00 in the morning with no kids in tow. I was off to my first mammogram and breast ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was extra quiet, which I enjoyed. I just layed there and let her do her thing. I didn't ask questions, mostly because I knew she wasn't qualified to officially read what she was finding, but also because I really didn't think there was a whole lot to discuss. Next, I was off to the mammogram. That was not as bad as I had thought it could be... more awkward, then painful. I did think it was a little weird the mammogram tech said my doctor would probably be contacting me no later then two days from the mammogram, but just brushed if off as that is what they tell everyone, but we all know doctors are too busy to get back that quickly. I'd decided if I hadn't heard back in a week, I'll call to find out what they'd found out. But I learned doctors do get back to you in two days if there is something serious going on.
December 10th, 2009 - My First Doctor's Appointment
I followed thru on my promise and visited the Doctor to have him check out my breast lump, not because I really thought there was anything seriously wrong, but because I was going thru the routine of what a good woman patient should do when she has a breast lump. I explained my breast lump issue to the doctor and the first words out of his mouth were "Cyst". Exactly what I thought, no big deal. But, he proceeded to tell me that anytime a woman comes in with a breast lump, they take it very seriously and he wanted to proceed with a mammogram and breast ultrasound to verify what we were dealing with and rule out anything else. I "knew" there wasn't anything else going on, but I agreed to testing, mostly because I trust my doctor and knew he was doing what was best. But I was not concerned. Thank God my doctor was proactive in a situation I would have been comfortable ignoring.
I Wonder If The Phrase "Breast is Best" Was Coined By A Man?
I have to be honest and say that one of the most stressful parts of being a new mother for me was breastfeeding. I failed spectacularly, not once, not twice, not three times, but all four times I tried. I feel I gave it my best shot and with each attempt my failure was even more spectacular then the time before. "Breast is Best" is thrown at the expectant mother nearly from the moment you pee on a stick and get a positive. I still know that breastfeeding is the best natural way to feed a baby, but I've also come to grips that there is formula and baby bottles for a reason and my babies were all healthy thanks mostly to baby formula.
Breastfeeding isn't easy and it comes with a fair share of tears and pain. When my fourth child was two months old, I had resigned myself to breastfeeding failure once again. I had just gotten over a nasty bout of mastitis that had brought me to tears and turned my struggling milk supply into virtual nothingness. I got out the formula and baby bottles and resigned myself to feeding my child the best way I knew how and it was working just fine. A couple months after my baby was fully weaned, I noticed a very painful area on my left breast with a small (pea size) lump in the center. I tried to massage the area to relieve the pain, and much to my surprise I was expressing milk. Great... when I wanted to breastfeed, my breasts wouldn't make milk, and now that I've decided I'm done, they won't stop! The pain felt very similar to the mastitis I had gotten over 2-3 months earlier, so I figured I was coming down with another infection. I watched for redness and fever, which never developed and gradually, over the period of a couple of months, the pain went away, for the most part, but the lump remained. I monitored the lump for a couple more months and it shrank down to the point where I could barely feel it. Two months later, I noticed the lump was back, so I monitored it, and realized it had grown back to it's original size. By this time, my baby was 10 months old, and I promised myself if this hadn't resolved by her first birthday I would have a doctor check it out. I was pretty sure my postpartum hormones were still causing my body to be all out of whack and I had probably developed some sort of hormone driven cyst.
Breastfeeding isn't easy and it comes with a fair share of tears and pain. When my fourth child was two months old, I had resigned myself to breastfeeding failure once again. I had just gotten over a nasty bout of mastitis that had brought me to tears and turned my struggling milk supply into virtual nothingness. I got out the formula and baby bottles and resigned myself to feeding my child the best way I knew how and it was working just fine. A couple months after my baby was fully weaned, I noticed a very painful area on my left breast with a small (pea size) lump in the center. I tried to massage the area to relieve the pain, and much to my surprise I was expressing milk. Great... when I wanted to breastfeed, my breasts wouldn't make milk, and now that I've decided I'm done, they won't stop! The pain felt very similar to the mastitis I had gotten over 2-3 months earlier, so I figured I was coming down with another infection. I watched for redness and fever, which never developed and gradually, over the period of a couple of months, the pain went away, for the most part, but the lump remained. I monitored the lump for a couple more months and it shrank down to the point where I could barely feel it. Two months later, I noticed the lump was back, so I monitored it, and realized it had grown back to it's original size. By this time, my baby was 10 months old, and I promised myself if this hadn't resolved by her first birthday I would have a doctor check it out. I was pretty sure my postpartum hormones were still causing my body to be all out of whack and I had probably developed some sort of hormone driven cyst.
Nuts and Bolts
I have decided to start this blog as a place for me to process a journey I have embarked upon, that if had I been given the choice, I never would have signed up for. I am hoping this place will serve many purposes, from expressing my fears and rejoicing in my faith moments and keeping those who want to follow my journey up to date on important information. Some of this information may be too much information for some, and not enough for others. My goal is to be as real and transparent as possible, in hopes that my story will help as many people as possible deal with their fear to faith journeys. I will be back-blogging the journey for a bit here, as I didn't realize I was on the journey I was on until I was well into it.
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