Sense of Sadness

If I have to fire off the cuff in a bad situation, I tend to react as a "glass half empty" type of person. However, if given a little while to process a situation, I usually can gain the perspective of the "glass is half full". In my cancer situation, my initial reaction was of course one of "half empty" (or honestly even empty, at some points), but as time passed, I began to see my situation in a little brighter light. But now, especially in the last month or so, my perspective has been a little dimmer. Now don't get me wrong... I still am very aware that I have so many things to be thankful for and I am thankful. I just have noticed that I have had this underlying sense of sadness lately.

I didn't really even understand this change that had come over me until the parade at the fair. There was a breast cancer awareness float, and my 10 year old daughter saw it, got all excited and said, "Mom! That's just like the cancer you had! I'm so happy 'cause you beat it!" and she turned around and gave me a huge hug. I had to work every fiber in my being to not cry, because I knew if I let one tear go, I'd soon be bawling and snotty nosed in front of way too many people. Most of my emotion was of happiness, but there was this tiny bit of nagging sadness, that I couldn't quit put my finger on. Now I think I get it. I have been really struggling lately with the fact that I am realizing that I can't just be done with cancer and say I "beat" it. I think that is where my sadness of late is coming from. I started this journey thinking that someday somehow my old life would return... and now, the further I get into my "fight" the clearer the realization is that I will never get my "old" life back. I will always need to be watching and wondering if cancer is going to rear its ugly head again, and that is just one of the many changes in my life.

So, I honestly think this sadness I've been feeling is a sense of mourning to the end of the naive easy life I used to have before, while transitioning into the life of a cancer survivor. With surviving cancer, a person becomes keenly aware of what it means to be mortal with the clarity I never saw before my cancer diagnosis. As a cancer survivor, there is a lot of numbers (usually percentages) associated with survival rates and recurrence rates. Even though my diagnosis was a very early diagnosis with a probable good outcome, the odds of my dieing early have increased dramatically from those of the average person my age. That hits a person hard. Also, living thru a cancer situation also makes the realization that bad things (really bad things) can just happen one day and turn your whole world upside down so much more real. I now have to try really hard in some situations to just relax and let life happen and not worry about every "what if", because worrying doesn't change if things happen or not.

Now, I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing that I am sad at this point. I think it is a necessary and healthy part in processing this situation. But I do need to get thru this transition. I'm hoping that someday somehow I will get to the point where that sadness is gone, where I can say I am a survivor without feeling that twinge of sadness at the loss of the life I once had and where I can see my glass as a cancer survivor as "half full" and hopefully overflowing!