Gifted With Grace

As we approach Christmas, it is too easy to get wrapped up in the busyness of this time of the year.  Shopping, programs, travel, parties... the list goes on and on and easily can consume some of the joy and reflection which should be the main part of the Christmas season.

And sometimes we are put in a position where the realization of the grace that is gifted to us can do nothing but lovingly embrace us and bring us to our knees.  Through circumstances not really related to breast cancer directly, but definitely related to the journey of life that brings us from fear to faith, I have been humbled beyond measure and made aware of the immeasurable blessing that is the grace that is gifted to us.

The beginning of the situation I am now in began long ago, way before breast cancer, but was orchestrated in such a way that it saved my life now.  The measurable beginning was a little over a year and a half ago.  Excruciating pain began invading my life randomly here and there, sending me to the emergency room a couple of times and to the regular doctor many times.  Elevated white counts and abdominal pain usually led to scans and ultrasounds, the concern being that I had appendicitis.  However, testing repeatedly excluded appendicitis and pointed to gynecological issues.  Ovarian cysts were randomly forming and rupturing causing appendicitis like symptoms and we also discovered I had a very large uterine fibroid.  I was assured everything appeared benign, and though painful, would not harm me.

I dealt with this pain off and on until this past August.  I awoke in the middle of the night to feed our foster baby and was in such excruciating pain that I could not stand without nearly passing out.  As I lay in bed writhing in pain, I asked my husband to fetch me a strong narcotic left over from my last surgery.  Instead he wanted to run me straight to the ER.  I talked him into seeing if I'd feel better after the four hours it takes for the pain med to begin to wear off.  Four hours later I was once again in excruciating pain and I let my husband drive me to the ER while I was nearly passing out in the seat next to him.  After a day of blood work and an emergency scan, I was told there was really nothing new on my scans that would explain my pain, and that it was probably my existing uterine fibroid causing the pain.

This did not sit well with me, so I pursued a referral to a gynecologist.  More testing showed a marginally elevated CA125 blood count which can be an indication of gynecological cancer, but more than likely was elevated from my large fibroid.  I was referred to a surgical gynecologist and the first time I met him he said I not only needed an endometrial biopsy but he also recommended a full hysterectomy.  He believed that not only should I not be living in this much pain, but he felt considering my history with having had breast cancer twice, the elevated risk of gynecological cancers was a risk that was just not worth taking.  This was hard advice to hear coming from a doctor I'd never met before.

I went ahead with the biopsy, which came back normal.  After much thinking, I knew this doctor was right.  Having a hysterectomy would be uncomfortable and could lead to some difficult side effects, but it would not kill me.  However, not having a hysterectomy could potentially allow cancers to grow which could indeed kill me.  I decided I needed to go ahead with surgery.  I had that surgery Friday, December 4th.

The plan was to have a laparoscopic procedure that would take about two and a half hours.  The surgeon started out laparoscopically and quickly realized that it would not be possible to complete surgery laparoscopically.  Before surgery, it was believed my uterus was enlarged to a 12 week pregnancy size.  While doing surgery, the surgeon realized that the uterus was actually enlarged to a 20 week pregnancy size and on top of that I had severe endometriosis which had fused most of my organs and nerves in my pelvis together.  The two and half hour surgery turned into a 5 hour surgery and the laparoscopic surgery was switched out to open abdominal surgery.

The surgeon believes I have been dealing with endometriosis since my teenage years and it had just now hit such a critical point that it, and not my fibroids or ovarian cysts had been causing my excruciating pain.  It had taken over 20 years for the endometriosis to hit a critical point.  I did not realize the significance of this timing until a couple of days ago.

I went in for my surgical follow up appointment, and my doctor, knowing how much I'd wrestled with the decision to proceed with surgery, told me that I would be very happy I'd had surgery once I'd heard the pathology report from surgery.  It turns out that the fibroid which multiple medical professionals had assured me was benign had some concerning things going on with it.  While not cancerous, the pathologist found some abnormal cells, and my surgeon believes that the fibroid was on its way to becoming a uterine sarcoma.  He told me a uterine sarcoma is a cancer which is not cured.  It is a death sentence.

Humbled, blessed beyond measure, this gift of grace has moved me to the place I needed to be right now...  reflective of the ultimate gift of God's grace.  God's grace spared me, my mortal and very flawed body, allowing me to have more time on earth with my family.  This gift seems enormous, almost beyond measure.  But how much more should we be amazed, humbled and blessed by the ultimate gift of grace?  The grace of God presenting himself as a sacrifice so our relationship with Him can be eternally and perfectly restored.  We messed the relationship up, but He has given it all to restore the thing that He knows will truly bless us beyond anything we can imagine through all of eternity.

May this season remind us all of the ultimate gift of grace!  A babe in the manger... God himself... on a mission to restore our relationship, forgive us unconditionally and love us beyond measure.